Tag Archives: United States

College does not Prepare you for Real Life

3 Sep

College does not prepare you for the real world

Well hello there friend. That’s right I called you friend because that’s what we are friends. And as your bffl I’m going to tell you who’s not your friend. Those guidance counselors or anyone else who told you that college prepares you for the world that lies ahead. They lied to your beautiful face. And as your real friend I’m going to tell you the truth. Trust me; my life is proof that those words are utter bullshit.

1. In the real world getting up any time before 11AM is not considered early.

2. If you don’t pay for your food (aka swipe your meal plan card) in the real world that is called stealing. And this type of stealing will get you more than just a few dirty looks if anyone notices at all. Walking out of a dining establishment with their silverware, plates, cups, food, containers full of milk or fruit juice that you plan to later mix with cereal or alcohol won’t fly in the real world.

3. If you break real world laws and rules you’ll see someone other than the Dean of Student Affairs and your punishment will be a lot worse than 20 hours of community service. I’m talking fines and jail time. You’ll have to ruin your fresh mani while getting your fingers printed at the police station. And no, you can’t pay your fines with dining dollars; they require the type of money that is relevant outside of your campus.

4. If you decide not to go to work you can’t just ask your coworker, “Hey, what did we do at work today?” That will not work out for you in this foreign universe called real life.

5. You cannot show up for your 8AM meeting in you Dirty Disney outfit from the Kappa’s theme party last night nor can you wear sunglasses to help disguise your hangover.

6. You also cannot fall asleep at work! Unlike your professors, your boss will notice and they will care. And if by some chance your supervisor doesn’t notice, this my friend is not college. Your coworkers will bring your lack of productivity to your boss’ attention. Sweet dreams my loves. More like welcome to this nightmare of the college grad life.

7. Going to the gym after work is a lot harder than going after class. First, by the time 5 o’clock rolls around you’re tired. The gym no longer fits into your schedule as nicely as 9:30-10:50AM Spanish class, 11-12PM gym, 12PM lunch and 1:30-2:50PM Accounting class. Second, you can’t walk to the gym anymore. Now you have to drive probably like 15 minutes, if you’re lucky, to get to the gym. Third, you have to pay for a gym membership. It doesn’t come with tuition anymore. I was so upset when I realized I couldn’t see my personal trainer anymore. And I was heartbroken when I figured out how much they cost and came to the realization that I cannot afford a personal trainer right now. Working out without someone else counting for you and telling you what to do really doesn’t mesh well with my lifestyle. Unfortunately, it’s a part of the broke college graduate lifestyle which I now live much to my dismay.

8. In the real world you have to actually cook for yourself and you have to go grocery shopping too. No more never ending buffets where you can eat until your heart is content, put your dirty dishes on this magical belt, walk away and bitch about how unsatisfied you are with the food you just ate. In the big kid world if you are unsatisfied with your meal, you can only be mad at yourself because you made it. And this magical belt is now your kitchen sink except you have to do all the dishes yourself. Also, take it from me, your real friend, cooking for one is depressing.

9. In this weird ass universe no one cares about who slept with who or what Lindsey or Sean did at the Pi Kap house last Thursday. Adults make conversation over topics mentioned on the news, politics, current events and of course all of the marvelous things their children have accomplished, which we have no desire to hear about. You know the same type of conversation topics that you were oblivious to in college. And just like you don’t want to hear about little Kimmy’s first soccer goal, they do not want to hear about your amazing keg stand performance last night. I know you’re proud of your Sasha Fierce like way of capturing the attention of the crown as you kegged on. And I’m proud of you too! Really, I am. But Kimmy’s achievement is just a little bit more appropriate for work conversation. I know, I know, your keg stand requires more skill and talent than Kimmy’s goal. I know you’re thinking, “Who cares about Kimmy’s goal?” Your boss does. And so does everyone else over the age of 25. I agree, it does suck huge hairy monkey balls but that’s the way the real world works.

10. You know how during inclement weather you wake up and someone has magically shoveled all the snow off the pathways and put down salt? Well guess what? That little magical elf is now you.

11. When your boss is sick, unlike class, you still have to go to work. Unfortunately, work doesn’t get cancelled. And even if for some strange reason you cannot go into the office they make you work from home.

12. When your washing machine breaks or a light bulb needs to be changed you can no longer email workorder@univ.edu and expect results in 1-2 business days from your faithful maintenance men who can fix anything. You now have to DIY or call your own maintenance service. You also have to pay this new maintenance service. That’s right, with real money. Dining dollars don’t count, you’re catching on.

13. When you lock yourself out of your room, apartment or house you can’t call public safety or campus security anymore. The real 911 will not consider that an emergency. You have to call a locksmith and they will charge you a whole lot more than the $5-$10 fine public safety charges you.

14. There are no more escorts when you feel unsafe or rides through some unlit part of town to your apartment or car. You better put on your big girl Victoria Secret PINK panties or your big boy Hanes boxers, channel Usain Bolt and run Forest RUN!!

15. At work you have to sit from 9AM-5PM, usually at a desk chained to a computer. If you’re lucky you’ll at least get a comfy chair. There are no more 2-3 hour breaks in your schedule where you can take a nap, relax or work on an assignment you didn’t complete because you were too busy having a social life. You have to work and be productive all day long.

See I told you those people lied to you. I don’t know why we ever trusted them in the first place. I think it was their uncanny way of turning a five page essay into thousands of dollars for tuition money. However, we should have known they were up to no good when we looked at the word University.

Universe –> University

The word Universe is in University. Despite all the lies and deceit from those guidance counselor and academic adviser frenemies out there, we now know that college really is a universe of its own which clearly cannot be compared to the working world. Lesson Learned.

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